Under Construction

I’m selfish. Even my mother told me so. Oftentimes I am too absorbed in my own emotions. I see the glass half empty. When life gives me lemons, I definitely don’t make lemonade. I stow them away until they’re rotten. Afterwards, I ask myself why the hell did I do that for. 

There are a lot of good in my relationship with Zack. The little things can be compromised. As for the bigger issues, we can always put an “Under Construction” sign over the gaping hole and go on doing what we do. 

I don’t know if it’s my vulnerability to depression or if I’m just an extra sensitive person, but there are always minuscule problems that I have to keep jabbing at until they bleed, then I’m ok for awhile as the wounds scab. I will proceed to pick at it so it never fully heals. This is an absolutely weird analogy, I know. 

The question is what am I emotionally selfish about? Like everyone else, I am afraid of being hurt. Yet, I have this sick curiosity to find out answers to questions that I know will result in a major mind-fuck. I always HAVE to know. When I don’t get my answers, my imagination provides me with endless possibilities, sometimes worse than the truth. 

The last few days, Zack and I slowed our texting to a bare minimum. We had a few email conversations (about my new macbook pro, programs to use, relationship-issues that I need clarification/reassurance on, etc). This is all part of our attempt at our “customized” break. We don’t completely lose all contact, at least not yet. Gradually, perhaps. It’s too confusing to explain and get into details about. 

Anyway, a point I was getting at is that I’m ok with less contact. I mean, I miss him but we gotta do what we gotta do. However, it’s the fact that I know he’s out with his friends at a party or bar that puts my emotions on overdrive. Because I feel like our relationship is extremely weak at the moment, if he meets a girl right now who is pretty, intelligent and completely compatible with him, it will only make my flaws more evident. “If Salina was more like her, we wouldn’t be having these problems.”

While I’m considering that scenario, I also feel somewhat stuck among my own responsibilities. It might be easier on me if I was out late with my friends as well. Unfortunately, I couldn’t. My grandma is in the middle of changing home-care companies, so no one is home to take care of her while the rest of the family is at work or school. My grandpa also went to China, so the house is empty. Since I’m home I’ve taken over being her caretaker. I love my grandparents and I was brought up to be family-oriented. They practically raised Ray and I, while our parents were slaving away till well past midnight. 

As my grandma’s eye sight turn to smoke screens and her legs rapidly fail to carry her, she needs to be taken care of. I’ve taken her to the doctor’s twice this week, I did the laundry, I made her lunch and I even bathed her. I’ve gone out twice this week and only after my cousin gets home from school at 3pm. There was no room to breathe. The countless hours spent at the doctor’s, on the ambulette and around the house only gave me more time to obsess over my issues. 

I am literally going out of my mind. I start work this coming Monday, going back on that daily grind. It’s saddening all around. I’m so, so tired. And I’m selfish.

Part of the reason why I kept suggesting to officially break up is because of the immensity of my emotions. They’re so heavy and I hate carrying it around with me every second of every day. I just want to give up. Now I’m constantly trying to fight that desire because I think I’ll regret any rash decisions I make. 

So I don’t want to be tired. I don’t want to be obsessed. I don’t want to overanalyze. I don’t want to distrust. I don’t want to keep asking for reassurances. I don’t want to be dead weight. I don’t want to be stuck. 

What am I suppose to do?